Phrenectomy

I spend a lot of my life alone. I wake up and I’m alone. I go to sleep at night, I’m alone. In a room full of black sheep, I am still an outcast. I have been here to hold my own hand for my whole life, and sometimes I like it that way. When I cook, I only cook for one. I can smell as rank as I want, and I can dance like an idiot. Most days, it seems like my cat and I against the world. I feel comfort in knowing that the only person I can rely on is myself, and I feel free of potential disappointment from those around me. I like sleeping diagonally on my bed. I like to not give a fuck about the moldy food on my counter, because who’s there to experience it aside from myself? I like being my full, unbridled self; I enjoy being limitless and naked. 

The truth is, I am not alone, and I never have been. Schizophrenia may make me feel completely alienated from even my closest friends, but in that I am not alone. Other people reside in my building, I can hear them living their lives. I can hear them talking, laughing, cooking, fucking, fighting and I can hear my neighbors shitty little dog having an epic meltdown when she doesn’t bring it with her when she leaves. (Disclaimer- the dog is actually very cute, but the owner is my nemesis; therefore, the dog is also my nemesis.) There are 8.063 billion people in this world, the chances of me being completely and utterly alone in any of my experiences are so slim it seems laughable. Furthermore, it also seems silly that Earth is the only planet in the universe harboring intelligent life forms. The latter brings me more comfort than the former, but that’s a whole different can of worms. 

Now, all of that is not to say that there is no form of uniqueness in the world. Special people are abundant. Artists, musicians, writers, thinkers. People who can swallow swords or breathe fire. There is one exception to the you-are-never-alone rule, and that is in the fact that your lived experience is one of a kind; no one has ever lived your life, and no one will ever do so again. And that is your obligation. Your only job in life is to live it, and live it authentically. Some people suck at that, namely politicians. Being a genuine person requires empathy. There is no way to be your own person without first understanding what makes other people themselves. People are like origami. They are folded neatly with intention; some folds are permanent, and some are for structural purposes. But just because you’re folded one way doesn’t mean you can’t fold another. 

If you’re like me and enjoy people watching as a regularly scheduled hobby, you will learn this. People watching is one of the most enlightening activities I can think of. Interpreting body language, admiring a stranger, eavesdropping on a phone call. Just taking in as much information about the human race as possible. Watching other people doing things that I do helps me feel less alone, and it excites me to see someone living authentically. When someone notices me watching them and they smile, say hi, or wave? That’s what really gets me going. Knowing I am here and present, and other people can perceive me. I am not a ghost, and through being perceived, I can be liked, or if I’m lucky, even loved.

Oh, to be loved. It’s such a joy. But what’s better than that is the act of loving itself. Have you ever felt so much love for someone, or maybe even a creature, that you cried? I cry at least once a week because of how much I love my cat. I also cry a lot when I think about my friends and how wonderful and kind and beautiful they are. There’s one thing being alone can’t provide me, and that’s companionship. I can rely on myself for as much as I want, but isolation will not provide me with the warmth I crave that emanates from my heart when I am with my friends. Just the other night I felt that warmth, it reminded me of the first nice spring day. Watching them make stir fry and play video games made me feel human. I am not much of a participant in activities, especially in groups, but that’s mainly because I love to observe and cherish the moment. I like to watch, listen, take photos, and save random scraps of paper or small objects to squirrel away for when I sit on the floor and have a night of Remembering Everything Via Touching Mementos.

There was no real point to this, just aimless rambling and me trying to convince myself that I enjoy being human and all its variations of love and joy. Stay cool and hydrated.