A significant aspect of being an artist is promoting yourself, giving the world a glimpse of your essence without revealing it all at once. This can take many forms, but my least favorite are the dreaded and usually mandatory artist bios and statements. I’ve compiled a few of my favorite “outtakes” from the process spanning from 2020 to 2023.
1. The Time I Had Worms On (In?) The Brain.
“In their spare time, Billie likes learning about trivial shit that literally no one gives a flying fuck about. Did you know that the 3 types of earthworm are root dwellers, compost worms, and the working class of the earthworm society, the earthworkers? Billie draws inspiration from living with their best friend and doing ketamine once every 2 weeks.”
2. Short, Sweet, And To The Point, At Least?
“In their work, Billie likes to shout a big “Fuck You” from the top of a city skyscraper, but like, metaphorically.”
3. The Time I Predicted My Own Demise
“Billie Mae is a 22-year-old collage artist who loves music and movies. Billie initially dropped out of high school to get a head start in college when they were 16, but then dropped out of college also. In the Fall of 2018, they enrolled in a mortuary science degree program and dropped out of that, too. Billie is living in New York to fulfill their dream of saving the endangered American Eels of the Hudson River. It doesn’t pay well. Perhaps they’ll return to college.”
4. The Reviews Are In
“Having dropped out of high school at age 16, and then college three times at ages 17, 20, and 24, Billie has made it readily apparent that they are directionless, have no self-discipline, and are nomadic at heart. A good friend of theirs once told them that he admired Billie’s “dedication to chilling”, and another friend was impressed with their ability to eat cake for breakfast 4 times in one week, saying, ‘I appreciate the way you can eat desserts like that.’”
5. Where It All Went Wrong (Adulthood Version)
“On a cold and rainy evening in November of 2019, Billie received the most valuable life lesson from a fortune cookie, altering the trajectory of their life from that point on. The fortune? “You’ll never fail if you don’t try.” Billie believes that fortune was a crucial turning point in their life. Everything just fucking sucks why do I have to write these.”
6. Where It All Went Wrong (Childhood Version)
“In Billie’s work, they cover topics ranging from social justice to more introspective ones, such as the meaning of life, which Billie has pondered long before they could even grasp the concept of meaning. Proving to be a fundamental moment in this search, young Billie once questioned their mother about whether God existed or not. She said to them, “Well, honey, that’s up to you to decide”. Dissatisfied with this answer, they turned to their father with the same issue. “No.” And that was the end of it. Until they picked up a Camus book at 16. Why the fuck was I reading Camus at 16? I’m not using this one.”
Thanks for reading some of the several instances in which I actively gave up writing a statement halfway through. I hope you enjoyed.
Phrenectomy 