Phrenectomy

Stream of consciousness in 3… 2… 1…

I think I have a phobia of romantic relationships. Not like an “I’m afraid of commitment” type deal, it’s more similar to hydrophobia. I am repelled by relationships in a purely scientific sense. I do not mix or dissolve with romantic endeavors. But I need a different analogy now because I desperately crave companionship on a neurotic level, like a feral cat. I yowl and lash out like I’m in anguish at the smallest show of affection or attempt to care for me. By the way I react to romantic intent, you’d think you’d also have to swaddle me tightly or handle me with oven mitts just to get close to me. The logical half of my brain understands that it’s really not that complicated; the cure for loneliness is companionship. Plain and simple. But the other part of my brain, the larger, more boisterous part, doesn’t have the hardware to accept things as plain and simple. I have a dire urge to overcomplicate everything until it’s so complex that it resembles nothing remotely close to the original, tangible idea. Maybe that comes from my ability to notice patterns quickly and understand them immediately —I end up creating nonexistent or purely coincidental patterns as a result. And maybe, just maybe, I think I see these patterns everywhere, even (especially) in places where they don’t exist. And maybe that’s why I repel romance. Forgive me for referencing the “logical” part of my brain so frequently here; it may be small, but we’re working on it. Logically, I know a lot of things to be true. So why don’t I trust myself? Logic Brain says, “vulnerability is the first step in being loved”. Great, that’s awesome. I LOVE being loved, doesn’t everyone? But pattern brain? No. Pattern Brain is a predator hiding in the bushes waiting to ambush me when I least expect it.* It whispers bizarre, cryptic things to me that sound like they’re coming from everywhere, yet simultaneously nowhere at all. Pattern Brain leaves little piles of rocks and stick figures hanging outside my tent when I go camping. Most of all, Pattern Brain reminds me of my previous experiences. It reminds me every chance it gets that I am extremely traumatized and that “THIS HAPPENED THAT TIME YOU GOT ABANDONED!!!”. But you know what? That shit is so annoying. Because if every single pattern that my stupid idiot Blair Witch brain “sees” came to fruition, then there would be no unknowns in life. Life is nothing without uncertainty. There’s no such thing as certainty when it comes to human existence, aside from being bound to life on both ends by nothingness. If every ridiculous pattern I thought I saw became reality, I don’t even know how to finish my sentence because that’s just so hard to imagine. All of that is just to say that Pattern Brain can take a dirt nap. Freaky ass entity that only I can see. The Blair Witch isn’t even real. Pattern Brain isn’t even real! I am Pattern Brain, and I am not Pattern Brain all the same. I’m just making stuff up at this point. I hate being vulnerable. I hate being seen enough to be loved because that means that I am also being seen enough to be hurt, should I let it happen. That’s the thing, though, I don’t have to let it happen. The most burdensome feature of the human condition is ultimate freedom. Sometimes when I say that, I get backlash, so I’ll nip it in the bud right now. Thinking you have no choices in life, no freedom, feeling like you are shackled to an ultimate goal in life is a symptom of being brainwashed. By capitalism and fascism mostly, but this also applies to interpersonal relationships. But if my saying that you are a completely free human upsets you, I am very sorry, but it is the truth. We are guaranteed two things in existence: birth and death. The rest is up to you, big dog. It’s all about perspective. You can call the hand you’re dealt shitty, but it’s how you act and go through life that really dictates your quality of life. There’s quite literally always a silver lining. It may be an extremely fine line in some circumstances, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there and that it isn’t important. Some people believe they are destined to be unhappy, or that they can’t help their circumstances at all if they can’t help them externally. With all due respect, no. You can always help your circumstances, and the majority of the time, it comes from inside. Example time! I am a broke ass bitch. I find my life constantly and routinely hindered by my lack of money. Okay, maybe in a capitalist society, this one’s not gonna work. But that’s only because, in said capitalist society, you need money for basic necessities. Personally, I don’t think people should have to pay to maintain their status as “alive” unless we are granted a universal basic income, but maybe that’s just me. Anyways. I’ll try a more objective example. One that doesn’t involve money or our government’s corrupt spending habits. Alright, so say you were born without legs. You can’t change the fact that you were born without legs, but you can choose different ways of living and acting that make that experience a pleasant one. Some people may think being born without legs is inherently negative, while in the grand scheme of things, it’s just a mere physical difference. There may be complications due to leglessness, but with legs come complications as well. The guy with no legs doesn’t have to worry about breaking his ankle. The naked man fears no pickpocket. Etc. This got so off track. Thanks for reading.