While we’re doing story times, I figured I’d share one I don’t often talk about due to its extremely traumatic nature. In hindsight, it’s a little silly, but at the time, it really bugged me out. Like, I considered going inpatient for a split second because I thought I’d finally lost my marbles for good. I wasn’t even high or drunk; if I can recall properly, I was out of weed at the time, so I hadn’t even smoked.
I used to have a roommate in my last apartment who got really into Buddhism and shit at some point. He was really cool at first, and then he got drunk, crashed his car, and got sober. 99.9% of the time, sobriety is the correct choice for someone. And maybe it was for him too, but he definitely wasn’t a likable guy when he was sober. Anyway, one time I was bored and couldn’t sleep, it was like 10 pm maybe, and he asked me if I wanted to go chant in a field with him. Sure, dude, whatever. I just wanted a nice, relaxing walk and to lie in the grass. I did not get a nice walk or any semblance of relaxation; no, I went on a whole-ass spiritual journey. I experienced, quite literally, a tsunami of overwhelming emotion and something physical that I don’t think there’s a word for yet. When we got there, I sat down in the damp grass and acquainted myself with my surroundings. RJ began chanting. Apparently, he only chanted for 20 minutes, but when I say this felt like an eternity, I mean like, I was paralyzed and stuck inside this vision forever as far as I was concerned at the time. It’s fuzzy now, but what I remember after deciding to lie down and close my eyes was nothing short of horrific and existential in nature. I experienced things that I do not have the vocabulary to describe, unfortunately, so bear with me. But I was lying there, and suddenly time stopped. I couldn’t hear the chanting anymore, so I tried to open my eyes and look to see where RJ went, but he wasn’t there. I was in the middle of the Milky Way, I think is an accurate description of what I saw. It was just stars, millions of them, and time and space went on forever. There was no up or down, no concept of direction in any capacity. I was there for a really long time, maybe centuries. Suddenly things got very bright, my eyes started to burn and sting, and I was probably crying in real life, but in that moment, this was real life. The brightness got hot, and suddenly I felt an explosion of pain throughout every nerve in my body. The pain started to subside, so I thought I started to come to. I felt the wet grass beneath me once more, and RJ’s chanting came back. It was faint and distant, but it was there. I tried to open my eyes and get up again, but the same thing happened as before, except this time, I was lying on a beach in the sun. I felt warm, hot even, despite the grass being cold and wet. Suddenly, the sun was obscured. It took me a moment to realize, but towering before me was probably the world’s biggest tsunami. It was frozen, and so was I. I don’t know how to describe the pure terror and utter dread I felt in that moment. I knew I was going to die, and I couldn’t move. After a while, the wave started to move, but in slow motion. This only exacerbated my fear. I was watching this enormous tsunami, bigger than I’ve seen in any YouTube videos or documentaries, crash down over me. Once again, it felt like eons had passed. The sound of crashing water broke my paralysis. I came to, for real this time, and slowly the chanting returned. Then it stopped again. But this time it was actually over, I was alive, and had a flesh body once more. I opened my eyes and RJ’s sitting there, completely relaxed and at ease, meanwhile I’m sweating and on the verge of fear-puking. “What the actual fuck was that?” I managed to choke out. “What do you mean? I thought you looked really relaxed.” Relaxed! Can you believe that? I told him, like, “Dude, I think I just died and came back to life or something. That was fucked up.” I didn’t wish to discuss it further, so we went home and I went to sleep.
So yeah, that was one of the more terrifying moments of my life. If you’ve had any similar experiences, I’d love to hear about them. Have a splendid day, and don’t wander off in this storm we’re about to have. It’s going to be cold.
Phrenectomy 