Phrenectomy

I just hit my very first blinker. Then I hit another. Here’s to feelin’ good, all the time. Reaching milestones today. Making big progress in my weed-smoking career. Coughing a lot while I do it. Just found out that owls are monogamous. Some animals are monogamous because their young need more attention and protection. It’s also potentially difficult to find a new mate, and reproduction rates would be higher if one pair were to keep reproducing with each other rather than with other mates. But I like to think it’s because they love each other. I think birds feel love. They don’t look like they do… they don’t act like it either (looking at you, crows), but they’re too smart, they must have some concept of learned affection and not just a biological urge to mate. I’m not saying I’ve looked into a bird’s eyes and have seen anything but bird-made horrors beyond my comprehension, but maybe I just haven’t really ever gotten close enough to look in many birds’ eyes. Wait, I think I saw love in a chicken once (a Hawaiian chicken). Definitely not in a goose’s eyes, though. Geese are evil, and I firmly stand by this. I have had at least 3 absolutely terrifying encounters with geese before. The first one that comes to mind is the worst. It takes place in Hawaii, the same place I saw love in a chicken’s eyes, and I think I was 13, maybe? Anyways, I got chased by a goose. Almost got quite literally goosed. I saw its teeth up close as it hissed and spat at me like some feral fucking cat. There was nothing but hostility, ill-will, and abhorrence for me in that creature’s eyes. I’m not even sure it was a real goose; it could’ve been a demon, or an omen sent by a Hawaiian god, because I took a coconut that fell on our car as a trophy of sorts. Like, I survived a coconut falling on our car. Here’s proof. Maybe that pissed Lono off, the god of fertility and peace. He is often heavily associated with agricultural matters. I did a lot of stupid things when I was 13, one of which was pissing off a Hawaiian god. The second goose story took place at a farm I used to go to a lot as a child. I wasn’t a child at this point; I was like, 22. But a big ass fucking goose once again chased me, and I started having Hawaii flashbacks. It was really embarrassing. I mean, it was really embarrassing the first time. My mom hasn’t let me live it down. But to happen again, as a grown ass adult was just… Mortifying. I should’ve stood my ground. What’s the worst that happens? I get bitten by a goose? I’ve had 2 metal rods bolted to the entirety of my spine when I was 15. Geese are small potatoes, then, right? Wrong. Geese are huge problematic potatoes, and I hate them. The third story that comes to mind is set in no other than the neighborhood I grew up in. I was at the lake down the street with a friend, and we were just eating pizza, having a good time. A few Canadian geese were sitting near the picnic table, and I don’t think pizza was the only thing they smelled. They must’ve smelled my fear. I tried to appease an approaching goose by gently tossing an offering of crust, which, to that, it hissed. I was like bro, I have to go. My friend saw my fear and was all, “aw, it’s just a goose! It’ll be fine!” Like, no, the fuck it will not! We gotta go! The goose immediately got a little too close for his comfort, and he agreed that we should leave because, clearly, these guys have beef. Out of three goose stories, 2 of the geese were domestic, and the third was wild. It’s not just one type of goose; they all have hate in their hearts. They all incite fear within me. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my goose horror stories. Sorry if you like geese. I respect them, but the respect is out of fear, not admiration.