Phrenectomy

…And now it’s today’s problem.

So I sat, and I wrote with no particular idea in mind. I hate it, but I’m going to post it regardless.

I think I’m a lot more hurt by the erasure of non-binary/gender nonconforming identities than I’d like to admit to myself. It’s like when you see the blood, but don’t feel the pain until you see the wound. With this realization, I grow overwhelmed and exhausted. People fear what they don’t understand. And people don’t understand me; they merely speculate about me. I am seldom taken seriously, and that even extends further than my gender identity, but I think it hurts most when it comes to my gender due to past experiences. As a child, no one ever took me seriously when I said I wanted to be an artist. My father would say “that’s nice” without registering what I said, and teachers would tell me that art isn’t a real career. I had a friend’s mom once tell me that I was stupid for wanting to be an artist. Naturally, going into the arts is often infantilized, seen as a pipe dream, or just completely poked fun at. Sometimes a combination if you’re so blessed. I am not taken seriously by medical professionals, either, because I am cis/female passing. Aside from my gynecologist, I don’t feel safe disclosing anything about my personal life/identity to doctors. And then there’s my gender. As if I wasn’t already the butt of the joke enough, I have to be reduced to Sock, the incompetent non-binary roommate who weaponizes said incompetence. I am often seen as being afraid to “commit” to gender, and you know what? Yeah, I’m afraid to commit to gender. To put it bluntly, there’s only one correct gender to be in our society, and that’s a cis man. I wasn’t born one of those. So I have two options in this case: commit to being abused by the patriarchy as a cis woman/trans man, neither of which is something I am comfortable identifying as, or commit to being abused by the patriarchy as my authentic self, A.K.A “taking the scenic route,” as I call it. When those are your options, yeah, commitment is a little fucking terrifying. But I digress. When did compassion become contingent upon comprehension? Furthermore, why does people’s lack of understanding of me cause them to recoil in disgust, rather than lurch forward with curiosity? If you want freedom for yourself, you want freedom for everyone. Yes, everyone. Every single person on this planet. If you have exceptions to that rule, then I regret to inform you that you just want to protect privilege; you do not actually desire complete and utter liberation. I don’t make the rules. Healing is done through transgressing pain, not transmitting it. If your idea of healing is at the expense of someone else, that’s merely revenge. I don’t know how to emphasize enough that trans liberation is liberation for every single person on this planet. Until we realize that binary gender is an issue across the board, men won’t heal. Women won’t heal. Trans people will still be seen as an issue to be pathologized, and non-binary people will continue to be erased and diminished. But let’s go back to that first one for a second, “men won’t heal”. In a patriarchal society, we love to maintain hierarchy through gender status. And you know what happens when men start healing and becoming more comfortable with themselves? They dismiss the idea of masculinity. But what’s to say you’re a man if you’re not masculine? Exactly. That’s why the patriarchy is extremely dependent on men who are sick and afraid. We love to use faux science to say that men should be leaders and women, caretakers. Misogyny isn’t science, though. What the world needs is more trans liberation and more healed men. So if you’re a man, go out there today and do something nice for your inner self. Be who you want to see in other men. Kiss the homies on the forehead or whatever. And go smoke some weed if that’s your vibe. And if you’re non-binary, do something that makes you feel comfortable in your own body today, like smoking weed. If you’re neither, I suggest you smoke some weed about it. Unless that’s not your jam. In that case, go give yourself a nice warm hug.